Guest Post: Are We Damaging Our Children Through Our Own Fears?
One of the main stressors in our lives is “the disease to please”. This is a condition where we try to fix other people’s problems, make them feel better, let them use us as a free therapist and generally consider their needs over our own. This “disease” is in our control and can be stopped. It can be stopped politely and without damaging important relationships. In fact, it really MUST be stopped. It is probably one of the biggest time consumers and is a major obstacle to enjoying our work and our lives.
Here are some suggestions for getting rid of this learned personality trait:
1. Remember that we teach people how to treat us. You are 100% responsible for being the office therapist or the “family fixer” when others are unhappy. As long as you continue to accept this role, others will take you up on it! Simply turn the tables and ask what the person has tried already to fix their own problem and don’t let yourself fall into the familiar habit of offering advice or offering to take on the problem. The people in your life will subtly start to understand that you are no longer a source for “dumping” their emotional baggage.
2. Stop feeling responsible for taking away any pain you encounter. If you believe it is your job to lift pain from everyone who steps into your world, you will quickly feel overwhelmed and depleted of energy. Others must make their own choices to remove themselves from situations that are causing them to struggle.
3. You equate worry with kindness or being nice. Worry is not an expression of friendship, loyalty, good parenting or work ethic. It is an expression of anxiety, fear or mistrust. Trust that others will work out their problems, just like you work out your own. Telling someone you are worried about them confirms that they are not capable of handling their own lives in your opinion.
4. You only identify with being a helping hand. Adding up the parents in our world, the helping professions like police, fire fighters, teachers and nurses and you’ve got a LOT of people who view themselves as helpers. The problem arises when you can’t see yourself as anything BUT a helper. While this role is noble and meaningful, it is not your only function. You don’t have to fix or help everyone, every time. This week practice just noticing this tendency and then move to just sitting and observing others. Do your best to break the habit of fixing other’s problems and “overhelping”. You will likely start to notice less stress, more free time and more equal relationships.
Stephanie Goddard (Davidson) is considered a subject matter expert in workplace communications and specializes in leadership and interpersonal skills training.
Frequently appearing as a guest on radio programs and published in numerous articles on workplace communications, Stephanie is also a nationally certified trainer for Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; DDI programs; Ridge’s People Skills for Managers and Individual Contributors; Myers-Briggs Type Indicator; FranklinCovey’s Project Management and master certified in Achieve Global’s Management Programs; as well as an instructor with the American Management Association.
Go to her website for even more articles at http://www.work-stress-solutions.com
This post was written by: Erin
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