Are Internet Sites Causing Teens To Hurt Themselves?
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When angry, defiant teenagers are yelling at you and causing a scene, what should parents do?
Many parents don’t even think about it. They yell back!
Why do they do this? For two reasons:
- They’re angry themselves because they don’t like anyone - especially youngsters - yelling at them. Their pride is hurt.
- They feel that if they don’t ‘fight back’, they’ll lose face. They’ll be seen as a soft touch. If they don’t stand up to the defiant teenagers they’ll have everyone walk over them - not just the defiant teenagers.
These are perfectly reasonable responses. I wouldn’t quibble with the aims, only with the methods. Let’s consider the situation carefully. When parents yell back, when they lose their own tempers, they descend to the behavioral level of the defiant teenagers. Now, if you want to educate them not to behave in this way, do you seriously think that modeling the same behavior will work?
Of course not. When you behave in the same way, the defiant teenagers - and anyone else listening - lose respect for you. They see right away that you have lost control of the situation. Kids - even defiant teenagers - want someone to put a brake on defiant, disrespectful behavior. Secretly they want the authority figures in their lives to be strong and dependable. A shrieking parent hardly conveys that image!
Another thing, when you join in the yelling it’s so easy to descend into insults and put-downs. No kids like to be humiliated, so when parents do that, respect diminishes even further.
So what do you do in the face of defiant teenagers?
Breathe deeply in order to stay calm. Make a supreme effort to let all the yelling and disrespect go right over your head. It’s not that you’re allowing them to insult you, it’s just that you won’t allow them to hurt you. Remind them that defiant, disrespectful behavior will have consequences. If you consistently enforce these consequences, no one will think you are losing face. Instead, your credibility will rise rapidly.
Insist that you will not be goaded into a response in the heat of the moment. Let it be known that when everyone is calm, you will discuss the matter - and enforce any consequences that are appropriate. Have a quiet, one-on-one session later. Be respectful and sympathetic - but assertive. That way you will gain respect, not lose it.
If this seems a tall order, maybe you could benefit from professional help. It needn’t cost the earth, and there are some excellent online programs that thousands of people have written testimonials for, gladly expressing their gratitude for the help in dealing with their defiant teenagers.
Frank McGinty is an author and a teacher specializing in Personal & Social Development. Together with his wife, Grace, he also runs a ‘Family Life’ website, catering for a wide variety of family interests and concerns. For more help with your child discipline issues, click here > http://www.Family-Life-Plus.com/child-discipline.html. You can also pick up a f.ree report on ‘Raising Assertive Children’.
This post was written by: Joe Nolan
Tags: controversial websites, cutting, self-harm